Permission to Pause: A Personal & Raw Blog for #TruthTuesday

Doctor Prescott, PhD in Love & Kindness

“Permission to Pause” (below) was originally written and shared on my personal social media back on September 26^th, 2018 after “Cosby was convicted of drugging and molesting a former friend, Andrea Constand, at his home outside Philadelphia in January 2004.” (USA Today)

I’m sharing it more broadly today because much of who I am as a woman, and a professional Speaker, Trainer, and Coach is informed not just my professional education and experiences – but by my personal adversities and triumphs as well.

Perhaps I’m even more so compelled to share because of some events that occurred before and after that post as well, so first, here’s a little context:

…Last week I was pre-shopping for a client and a salesperson said, “You have a glow.”

I had to consciously connect to that for a moment to consider what outside of the norm could be causing me to glow.

I mentioned my new Bernadoodle puppy, Doctor Prescott who has an honorary PhD in Love & Kindness, and quickly took out my phone to show him pictures -like any proud Mama.

His comment has stayed with me and while my soulful pup is definitely a part of my glow, I realize that it must also be coming from the reality that I am truly living and speaking my #Truth out loud from a (mostly) healed and redeemed place – and in doing so am sharing hope for others as well.

…Just days earlier I had reached deep for courage.

It was one week after a shocking verbally abusive encounter that ended with a woman slightly slapping my face while commanding me to wipe a -look of shock- off my face.  I had finally resolved to kindly, yet boldy hold a mirror to her behavior.  It was in person, face-to-face and I told her how my experience of her was and that she had crossed a serious boundary.  No one should ever touch another person out of frustration, or a sense of power and control over another.  I did not need to argue my position. I did not need to WIN.  …But I did owe it to myself and others to access my voice for truth and accountability.

Nonetheless, the “glow” must be because as hard as it sometimes is…I continue to search for, cultivate, and speak my #Truth…and live into it…as I know it’s the only thing that will continue to set me free to be who I as uniquely created to be (something I have always wanted for myself in life).

…Because my work takes a holistic approach to helping YOU be comfortable and confident in your own skin so that you can step into more of your purpose and potential – and because I know that wardrobe and appearance can only support that effort so far- I share with you today why I gave myself permission to pause.

Being transparent and honest not only allows us to continue to heal, it helps us to be more authentic, confident, and effective as individuals -and as leaders whether in our homes, in the classroom, or in the boardroom.

Perhaps this will be of value to you, or someone you know, on your own journey.

XO

PERMISSION TO PAUSE:

So, a day later I’m trying to “get on with it”, push it to the back of my mind…but alas my teary eyes are telling me to be present and release the emotion.

As a sexual assault survivor…to me, it is a happy-sad situation – or at least I have happy-sad emotions.

Justice has been served and for that “happy” is an understatement. It’s a sad moment, because Cosby was once America’s favorite dad…and the reality is: He can actually be representing your real dad. He could be representing your real brother, son, nephew, uncle cousin – or best friend. More on that later.

When justice has been served, because someone #Finally believed you and a formal investigation has turned over the rocks of truth…it changes your life and finally a “new normal” can begin.

When justice has been served your body, your mind, and your soul no longer needs to hold all the emotion – the anger, the sadness, the fear, shame, guilt, or continual angst of “Should I tell or shouldn’t I?” “What will people say or think of me?” “I’m not strong enough to do this, but my life is spinning out of control.” “I don’t remember everything.” “I won’t be believed.” “I’m damaged goods anyway.” “I feel so embarrassed and ashamed.”

Yesterday was a momentous day -a significant time in our history- when a powerful, successful, once admired man was held accountable to the sexual crimes he had been able to get away with all of these years. While women may also hide behind their power, it is far too often that men of celebrity status/power get away w/criminal acts in general. For one thing, to preserve their social status with the celebrity, people who would otherwise speak truth to being a witness or knowledgeable of offenses are more likely to lie and/or give glowing character witness reports – just to stay in one’s social graces.

In the case of women who are survivors of sexual assault, they carry deep trauma with them for years until they finally work it through…and as I read and was reminded by Padma Lakshmi’s op-ed in the NY Times, it’s not just the assaulted who suffers – it’s those who love her as well because it effects every relationship – every relationship.

…

“Where do my tears come from?”, I asked myself.

While this was a life-changing win for Andrea Constand, collectively, this was a win for all sexual assault survivors.

We have been heard…and believed.

I wonder if you know the magnitude of that phrase, “heard and believed”.

…I am recalling my emotion at the close of one of my criminal trials around DV back in the early 2000s, when the perpetrator was found guilty. The judge spoke sternly to my ex-husband. It was powerful.

Finally, I was heard and I was believed…Someone believed me and fought for me when there were so many lies, assaults against my character -and many others (men in particular) minimizing, dismissing, and making excuses. The truth won and justice prevailed.

My tears fall because there’s a part of me that believes (most? …at least some) perpetrators must be in #Conflict with their duplicitous selves at times – and for this I have empathy. …I believe they will be in conflict for as long as they can get away with it. …Can you imagine being 81 and in this place? Facades shattering, justice prevailing…there is nothing that can keep you from facing your own #TrueSelf.

Tears fall because with 1 of every 3 females being sexually assaulted (and reported) and 1 of every 6 males…we do no one any good by continuing to deny this criminal act – which can often feel like a death sentence as its effects compound over the years. …We see it in church institutions, in law enforcement, our own families, with people we know…It everywhere that we do not hold people accountable to the highest standards and the law.

…We should NOT turn a blind eye because when we do, it perpetuates the rape culture to include power and control, lack of accountability, dismissiveness, lies, secrecy, shame, #GenerationalCycles and ____.

And we teach all those watching…
Young boys and girls who grow up with the thoughts of “I can do this because I can get away with it, wasn’t an adult, all boys make mistakes, I’m powerful so I can have/do what I want, etc. Or “If I tell, no one will believe me anyway and I will be shamed for having done so.”

Tears fall because perpetrators are those we love…too.

But just because we love them doesn’t mean they are not sick -or guilty.

I have wondered in the recent years, “How will we learn to…love… the perpetrators who are seemingly upstanding members of society, or those we love in our families – if they are named as having assaulted someone?” “How will we both love them AND #CommitToTruth and #Accountability?”

If we do not get a handle of what is right and just –and do the right thing when faced with #allegations (listen, investigate to the fullest enforce the law )– if you find that the boys or men in your life (now or in the past) are guilty sexually abusive behavior, what will you do?

If you turn a blind eye and conceal the truth, you will be hurting him more than you know. He needs truth and accountability. …I can say this because while am a survivor, I also personally have known perpetrators…

If you turn a blind eye on your loved one, he may end up like a Bill Cosby, who violated (some would say ruined) the lives of many women and who also ruined his own life – and finds himself in jail at 81 years old because no one -who might have known/suspected- was gutsy enough/cared enough to challenge him to get to the truth of it all…and get the help he clearly needed.

That said, I am grateful, because I have witnessed changes in the hearts of perpetrators, one who was in his 70s. Grateful that while I absolutely value justice being served, God’s grace is sufficient to also heal & redeem both the convicted – if he/she wants- and the survivor.

….The Cosby trial is over.

Holding space for it all, I’m giving myself permission to not have to “get on with it” (a reminder that the narrative I’ve adopted over the years also gets to change…).

…Writing has helped me process and clear my head so I can move forward with life…my day, and client work….

As I pause to consciously connect, tears fall for many reasons – – and my #NewNormal continues to expand.

Insist on H.O.P.E. and let us continue to champion the truth, it sets us all free. XO

H.O.P.E

(H)- Your Healing which leads to your
(O)-Overcoming which leads to your
(P)-Possibilities …and Purpose…and the
(E)-Expectancy that your best is yet to come!